Okay, we know everyone always says “you are what you eat.” But we all know that you are what you drink, am I right?!
Beer is a hot commodity these days. Whether you’re sipping one at the bar or pounding one at a tailgate, the beer you drink definitely says a little something about you.
Coors Light/Bud Light/Michelob Ultra:
We see you. You beer drinkin’, tailgating machine you! You obviously aren’t in it for the taste. Maybe you just like it simple. No hassle. You can sip these, or pound them. And we aren’t afraid of your commitment to continuously drinking. I like to look at you aluminum beer can chasers as party animals, remind me to invite you to a game because you have your pace-pants on and I like your style. These bad boys go down like water, while not adding all the extra calories and carbs. I’m looking at you Mich Ultra! If you get that extra spin class in that day, or your girlfriend told you that your dad bod isn’t cute anymore, pick up that Mich Ultra. We believe in you!
Pabst Blue Ribbon:
We like you. We like your style. We like your cheap beer taste. You know how to get the most bang for your buck in a cheap keg at a house party. Don’t mind if we put on some “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” and sing it while eating a hotdog with our PBR in our red solo cup. You like to party with the good ole red, white & blue can! Even though this company sold out to Russia, it still has some American vibes!
Natty Ice:
You frat, bro?
Corona:
It’s probably Taco Tuesday and you panicked, hard. Some like to label this beer a beach beer and a summer favorite, but you’re confused. Maybe you are a little new at the whole beer buying thing and you went with the most marketed option. It’s okay, but Mexico makes a way less skunkier beer called Dos Equis, reach for that one next time you noob. We see so many people drinking Corona at backyard pool parties. But, does anyone actually enjoy it? We think that the only Corona beer you should even remotely drink is a Coronita in a frozen marg. So easy there, Pony Boy, sombreros are for Dos Equis drinkers only.
Ciders:
Maybe you’re afraid of gluten or something. Sh*t, if I wanted a juice in the afternoon I would pick up a Capri Sun. Now if this is your key to your early morning college games, we see you. You little devil, you. You eat it up when people talk crap about your ciders because you’re getting more alcohol content with a fruity twist and less carbonation than the beer drinkers. Maybe you’re really into day drinking and this is your secret to not getting too full? Holy sh*t, was that just an epiphany? How about we cut that cider with half a Guinness and make it a Black Velvet. (Note: Editor fav! 😉 )
Heineken:
We think you just dig the color green. In which case, as a Packers fan I say to you HELL YEAH. But for some of you, green is not the case. Maybe you went to Holland and traveled the world and want to bring the experience back with you, so you drink Heineken. Maybe you’re cultured, but you like to pretend you know more than anyone else in your presence. But at the end of the day, we really don’t care that your second cousin slept with Heidi Montag, we just want to get drunk.
IPA’s:
You’re a rare breed. You like to test your tastebuds out. You like new things, and we aren’t here to stop you. You love to find new ways to stay entertained and new beers to introduce to your friends. You are mesmerized by the craft of making a damn good beer. Some may call you a beer snob, but we salute you.
Shiner Bock:
Hello Texas! 😉
Lagers/Blondes:
Okay so you’re a step up from the cider people. You only like beer that you can completely see through. You are the exact opposite from the IPA drinker. You hate new things and we can all see that. Even though your beer is probably cheaper at the bar, we are afraid of how ready to settle down you are. What? Who said that?
Reds:
You’re just trying to look cooler than the lager person, aren’t you? You really want to order a honey blonde, but you need to shout that you are different than the rest. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. You go, you rebel.
Stouts:
You cheeky bastards, you! You have some underlying talent, and by that we mean you really have talented stomachs. Stouts are the dessert wine of beer world… Everyone is interested but no one ever fully commits to the decision. We salute you, but we can’t join you. We’d rather get king size twix bars.
At the end of the day, a beer is a beer and I’m not going to complain about anything you hand me. But if I’m the one reaching for the cooler, you can find me with the chuggers and the champion tailgaters with a Mich Ultra in hand! Don’t believe me? Just check out our Snapchat @coachsdaughters!
Cheers fools! 😉
The Coaches' Daughters 